Right now

I thought that words could revive feelings. I have learned they do not.


I just went through every post I ever submitted on here, and was surprised by some findings. Saved some old pictures to my phone. Wondered to myself about my ever present self esteem issues. Question if things that I thought to ponder about were ever really important. Laughed at all the mirror selfies I loved to share with my phones. Missed things. Miss people. Hate those feelings that I experience, and wrote about. Memory is bad.

Laughed at my random about me’s. Which made me realize that I really am obsessed with myself. My sister recently brought it up, but I laughed about it. Now it turns out she’s most definitely correct.

Sorry 2018, and 2019, looks like nothing exciting happened to write about. Honestly, in this moment nothing is jumping out at me from memory lane. I’m probably suppressing everything. My last post was about my job, and how stressful it was, then about the guy that I couldn’t get over. I still can’t. The mind is horrible place to get lost in.

2020,
You just started, and I feel cold at the moment. My 29th birthday is fast approaching, and I still don’t know what I want. No longer at Dominos. No longer living with my mother. No longer have a best friend to share every single occurrence with. No goals. No ideas. Still hopeless. I think, most likely still sad too.

EH,
You’ll never know it, or maybe I’ll never be as straightforward as I wish to be. You were the guy for me. You were perfect. Funny and smart. Tall. Dark. And for some weird reason extremely handsome, to me. And even though I made fun of your “retarded laugh”, I loved it. That raspy laugh that sounded like you couldn’t breath. I miss it. I thought you were honest, and refreshing. I was instantly physically attracted to you from the first time I saw you, even if you thought it was weird. I’ll never forget seeing you for the first time, and thinking to myself **fuck**. Some part of me knew you would be trouble. And you were. Never did I think I would put myself in a vulnerable position until I experienced you. And even though I never made it easy for you. I always hoped you would come around, and break my walls. My insecurities about love. Made me believe. I hoped for the best, but ended up with disappointment, heartbreak, and a more cynical perspective towards relationships. We were nothing, but you were everything to me. Unknowingly. So now I wonder to myself: if I had said something...would it had made a difference? I wonder if I had stuck to my initial no’s would I still be feeling this today. Most importantly, I question, why you? Why did I have to experience you? Why did you have to make me feel the way that I felt? Why

I’m disappointed. In you. For not being the person I thought you to be. For not keeping the perfect. For the horrible feelings that made me break. For not being able to move on. For missing the feeling of your touch. Nobody has ever made me feel the look of their eyes. I felt that with you. I miss it. I miss it a lot, but I hate the pain. And right now, I’m wondering if it’s the good feelings that I miss or the horrible feelings. Because that’s what made me realize that I was breakable. Also very capable of getting attached to someone, and caring. Fucken Asshole. I hate you, which pisses me off. because it means I still have feelings for you.

Monday Blues

I've finished watching Stranger Things, and I must say it was a pretty good show. I want to know what's going to happen next.

Yesterday was horrible. The rain made work horrible. So annoyingly busy, and the complains. Like come on, we are working here people. So hectic. It seemed like it would never end. We kept seeing 50 pizzas, and then 49, and then 55! It felt like it was never going to stop. Another day at the job though. Too bad we did horrible. At least the day is over.

I can't stop thinking about him, and wondering if its even real. Is any of it real. How can I ever believe it. I feel so skeptical all the time. Everything he says.... I don't know. I don't even know. What a horrible feeling to have. To find someone, and doubt everything he says. I mean, shouldn't judge the guy for his past, but then, it is his past. It's whats made him HIM. So, what's the problem. I just can't believe it's real. Just to not get too attached, maybe. I can't forget or pretend he isn't what he is. Yet, I can't get away. I am so annoyed with myself in regards to him. Why can't I just move on. Find someone less complicated or easy or I don't know. Someone else. Where is my someone else. Where is the person I will fall dramatically in love with. Where are you significant other. What are you doing....I am so tired...Pretending to be okay. When it is not okay. Nothing is okay. I hate everything. I just don't want to feel anymore. Why did I have to become this miserable person. I hate it. I wish I was as uninterested as I had always been. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

OneYear

I've been a GM for a whole year....

It is very surreal for me to find myself here, where I currently am. I remember when I started working, and thinking about getting out. The future. I thought about the future, and where I wanted to not be. I worried so much about that. My main goal has always been to be happy. Whatever I am doing or wherever I find myself. I just want to be content. Relaxed. I don't want to worry....but here I am....stressed out...on the verge of giving up.

I miss the nothingness. I wish I didn't have to have mini panic attacks every time I think about my store...and whether everything is okay....my first store was easy...even though I hated it. I was so wrung out with all the store needs....and the stuff I didn't have. I can't even think about how I made it out alive...the holidays...those were horrible...the weekends...man how we killed the people we had. But we survived....

The only thought that kept me going was the simple fact that the current situation was not permanent. It was horrible, but at one point it will not be...and that's what I needed to focus on.

Today I am tired....I have a heavy store that weights on my shoulders....the first week I stepped in that store I was blown away with feelings. It felt horrible being there...I almost threw up everyday that I was there the first week. It felt weird....I still feel weird.

I keep thinking about the things I want. About the things that I don't have. I have a year of management experience in me now....What can I do with it....with no education...I was so close...and I gave up. Where do I want to go now....Some days I feel like doing nothing...and some days I literally do nothing...but it's not enough...

Almost 6 years with this brand...How many more am I going to give it.

Feels...

I don't know how I feel...Am I suppressing my feelings? Or did they never exist? Where they ever real? What the fuck am I. Why am I able to distance myself at no cost of harm...Emotionally dead....

I told him I was done, or did I even say those words? I can't recall. But I remember the tears, and the fear...I wasn't scared of him. I was scared that I would chicken out, and not go through with it. Or that I would end up going back, like the other times. My emotions. I can't handle them. They make me act on impulse. But I had my reasons...and it wouldn't be fair to be so selfless just to keep another person happy.

I miss him. Everyday I miss him. Every day I think about him. Its been a week, and two days since I last spoke to him...I feel weird. The first days I had a horrible persistent feeling. I would feel it in my chest, like whenever I find out something...I get a premonition feeling. And then I'm just waiting...

How did I end up here??
How do you even believe a liar...Why didn't I care before? Why did it have to take so long for me to be like "I can't be in this situation." Did my heart break? Oh yes, many times I think.

That time with the hickeys...He was being so weird...and then I saw them, but he knew, and I was just disgusted with myself. How the hell did I end up with a guy, with a gf, and fucking who else more. Why did I have to be that stupid girl. Why did I have to go with the flow of my feelings. Can I blame him for the attention that he bestowed on me....why did he have to make it look like he cared. Make me feel like I was someone special to him....Who else did he make feel that way...That's the most horrible realization. What other girl is questioning his actions, and feelings like me.

He left, and everyday he said he missed me, but who else was he also saying those simple words too as well... He asked me to go visit him, and I considered it. I really did want to see him. Feel him again. Kiss him. Poke his ribs like I would every time I would see him.

Then the end. He had told me a couple of weeks prior that he had broken up with his gf, and I was surprised that he actually told me that himself, since he never even spoke about her to me. But we were the same...Talked on the phone every once in a while...texted. But then I spoke to a mutual acquaintance who told me his gf was quitting her job to go spend the holidays with him...and I was shocked. How did I even keep my face neutral,,,,when my heart was stunned. I just didn't even know what to make of it...So I told him I needed to talk to him, but I wanted to do it alone, when I was able to really discuss stuff. He of course couldn't wait. He called my cellphone, and since I didn't answer that, he called my work. He wanted to know what it was...I told him to wait...he was persistent, but I am stubborn myself...he asked me what had he done....I said nothing...that it wasn't important, but I did want to talk to him...he was surprised because I never want to talk him. At least in the sense in which I seek him out to do so.....So that was that....

I left work...on the verge of tears...It wasn't fair....Here I was missing him, and feeling miserable because I couldn't see him physically...and being mad because he wouldn't reply to me or called me every day like he would some days.....I called my friend...stalling the conversation, but then I said fuck it...need to talk to him now. So I called him....but he didn't answer....but then he called me back...and I remember considering not to answer him, but then I accepted the call...I asked him if he was busy...he said he was at a store like always...I offered to call back, he said no, his curiosity always gets the best of him....So he asked me what was up....I couldn't say it...I didn't know how to word it...and then I just said it...I don't think I should talk to you anymore....he asked me if I was serious? why? what did he do? How do you explain to a guy you always told you were heartless about your feelings....

I don't remember what I said...I told him I couldn't deal with him anymore, he questioned his actions, I clarified that I couldn't deal with how he made me feel anymore. What was the point...he was over there, and I was over here....and his gf. He reminded me he didn't have a gf anymore, that he hadn't talk to her in a long time....

He's a good liar tho...he can talk himself out of anything. He's pretty smart that way.

He cut me off on the verge of my emotional outbreak...said he would call me back later. I told him to not bother...he said he would, and I could either answer or not....I cried all the way to my best friends house...I had gotten sick the prior day...so my pale face didn't give me away...I pretended to be tired, and hungry...I couldn't even talk about how I was feeling...

I went home...I got in bed...wondered if he would call me back, and whether I would answer him. I went to sleep, to forget, to move on, to not feel what I was feeling, then I woke up....and then he did call....and I looked at my phone, at his contact picture...and contemplated....I didn't answer. I had my phone in my hand...and I just let it ring. I wanted to cry again...I thought about just not bothering with him anymore. To just end it like that....but then I called him back....the phone rang...too many rings. I hung up. He called me back....I answered....He acted like nothing...he asked me what was wrong with me...if I was feeling emotional. If my heart hurt because of him...I told him what heart...he laughed...I can't remember if I was too quiet...but he questioned me, and I told him I was over it. The feelings weren't as a raw anymore...I was recovering from that moment of weakness....I don't know what made him think I didn't want to talk to him, but he offered to call me back later. I said okay...ended the conversation. ended his contact information on my phone...blocked him from social media...blocked him from my phone...trying to block him from my heart....

I wanted to talk to him, but he shut me down, which made me feel stupid for even trying to explain anything to him. So now I am rationalizing my actions...Today is day 9 of no communication. Tomorrow day 10. In the past year...this is the longest that I have not talked to him since we started talking....Feels like I am missing a part of me...And I don't know how that makes me feel. Some days I want to just forget it, and pretend nothing happened. That hearing that his gf is jealous of me wouldn't bug me so much. I knew she was there all along, but we had no association, and I never feared she would find out....but hearing that she might..that just made me feel horrible.

He doesn't care. I feel this now. I was stupid enough to fall for him, while warning him off to not fall for me...I hate the I love you's that we exchanged...all those kisses that he gave me when he was neared me...It felt like he couldn't stay away...Every time we would be in a room together...he would gravitate to me. If I ignored him...he would look at me until I paid attention to him...the feeling of having his eyes on me....his laugh when I would say something....that time he told me I was pretty. that time he told me he liked me because I was smart....or when he realized I knew him so well....what was the point of all that...

Now/2016

Where has the time gone... since that last post talking about my future lover, which to be honest, I never thought he would be my first, or that he would become someone important in my life. Literally the person I run to with questions and concerns. We had a little break, where I was stupid, and childish, and didn't talk to him for over a month. Then I met someone else, and that too got complicated. And now here I am, alone, miserable, and contemplating my life decisions.

Life points: became a gm, slept with two guys, fucked a guy with a girlfriend, fell in love, hated love, failed miserably at my first store, applied for a second store, hate current situation, got left behind by a lover, purchased my own car, acquired debt, and more debt, car crash, my sister moved out, cried for a whole week, went to Vegas, had sex in Vegas, had sex in hotel rooms, took road trips, ignored people, no pregnancy scares, got drunk, made out with some randoms, blacked out, lost my phone, hate everything.

November 2015, I was promoted to general manager, just weeks before that happened I went to Vegas where I had sex for the first time. All new things happening in the end of the year I guess. New beginnings everywhere. The store was great, but hard to build up, it was a good experience to start up. There was no claimed relationship with the guy I was having sex with, just a thing that happened, which then led to not talking. Because really, who wants to be in lingo all the time. Like fuck, how cliche, but what are we??? should always be clear.

December 2015, working, always working.,acquainted myself with lover number two, who was really appealing even from the start. I remember seeing him in our area meetings for the first time, and thinking FUCK, this guy is trouble...and look at me now a year later...disgustingly inlove with the idiot.

January 2016, saving my bonus checks to acquire myself a new car....hiring people, building my own crew, and losing some...'

February 2016....he leaves for a week and I miss him terribly. disgustingly get attached to the wrong guy... stop talking to the first guy because he's an idiot, and never made any moves....and what type of guy gives nothing to the girl they are fucking on valentines day....like honestly....a fucken text would have been gracious. store gets evaluated...and miss the grand 5 by a few....feel miserable...this is where the whole week of misery occurs....confess to best friend about lover number 1

March 2016,,,I crash into my store building...nothing physically happens to me...this accident does lead to......I purchase my own car HOORAY, number two kisses me for the first time, and its crazy, its always been crazy with him....but I'm still talking to number one, and in between these I get a number three in the picture,,,who wants to declare his affection for me all loud and clear, which the first two cant seem to come clear about....life gets really confusing. make my confusion to number one clear, and end it.....number two leaves again...and don't see him for over a month...block him off my phone when I realize i like him....and then unblock him because I can't help but talk to him....

April 2016....working...cant remember anything special...sneaking around with number two..having late breakfast... he kisses me, and the way he touched me in the parking lot...so attentive with his hands....

may 2016...store gets evaluated again...horrible day at work...not looking forward to annual work related meeting which takes place in vegas following month... number two is driving me crazy...thought i would not get attached because all he wanted was to have fun....but he still touches me, and i still want to touch him... and the way his skin feels in my hand... im all stupid for his attention...he makes me feel special...and like i matter...and we just get along so easy...

june 2016....i have sex with number two...and its good........hes good...i just like him so much....but hes leaving soon... and its all just horrible again... number one wants to come back in the picture...and number two has a gf....and possibly other lovers...world is just chaotic...i dont want anything but to have a good moment...meet up with number two at his favorite hotel...see hickeys left by another on him....cry to myself...hate myself for being so stupid and thinking that he could be different....he will never change...pretend that i am okay...and continue seeing him...

july 2016.. he leaves...and goodbye is bittersweet....a last night of love making...followed by drunk i love yous....nothing works...he just leaves...he claims to miss me...but what is it really that one misses about another person....

august 2016...i get second evaluation on first store. fail it even worse....worst time...not only am i leaving to my second store, but i miss number two miserably, and he calls me everyday...and its just not fair... that he leaves and thats when he decides to be more attentive...second store is overwhelming...and super busy.... cant seem to make things work....people dont care...which makes me not care. cry all the time because nobody can relate to what i am feeling...

september 2016...cant seem to have time for anything....waiting for evaluator to show up to second store...running horrible numbers...cant seem to save myself...number two calls me, and then disappears...he doesnt even notice that i block him...actually he does because he calls me from a different number...he doesnt question my actions tho....just keeps on talking like i never left him...feelings are confusing....evaluator comes to store...do better than expected...still running bad numbers tho...

october 2016....store is bad...feelings are bad.....miserable at everything...feel tired all the time...owner visits store and hates it...i hate myself...so caught up on my feelings for this asshole that i cant even think for myself.....contemplating different life decisions....



so there is...a round about of the year...and my feelings...i wish i had written down the events....as they happened....i like reading my experiences and then reliving the feelings...it makes me remember that i am living....

HIM

The feelings are complicated. I'm not sure anymore. I want it, but at the same time its bleh. I want to push you away to see how far you'll back away. What's your limit? How far would you go in order to not come back....

The first time I had a dream with him, I was pregnant. The dream felt so real. I had a huge belly already, and was concerned about stretch marks. So in my dream I was going to a store to look for the butter cream. The place my dream took place looked like a camp. Almost a military camp or something really similar. And he was important. He had an important position in my dream, and I was running away. I don't know why, but I was looking to escape from him. There was somebody with me during this dream. Like I was talking to someone, and he wasn't around for most of the dream, but I knew it was him. The baby was his, and I was leaving. The confusing thing is that I can't remember why. Why was I leaving, and how the hell did we even end up together. I remember this dream in particular because towards the end I had the chance to escape. I was walking away, and going over things it seemed. Then he was there, catching me. At some point I trip in my dream, and my whole body goes forward, and I feel my belly stretching. Like the weight of the baby was pushing my  belly forward, with the help of gravity of course. But he was there holding back. He didn't let me fall. And that's all that I remember. I probably had this dream about 4 years ago.

The latest dream I've had with him I don't really remember much, but it also involved us being a couple. I think I was talking to some guys, most likely his friends that he always hangs around with, and then he was breaking up with me. I think it had to do with something with me talking to his friends. It was weird. I actually cared. And he was just leaving me. Ugh. The feelings man.

And now....

The first time he kissed me in real life, not in a dream, I was sort of surprised, just because I didn't really think he was interested. Then I don't know, I had always been curious about him. So I went with the flow, but he was a weird kisser. Too much tongue. I really don't like that. Plus, we had been drinking. So I wasn't too sure if it was the drinks talking or whatever. He ruined the moment by proclaiming that he wanted to fuck me. First kiss, and that's where we end up.
I can't remember our second kiss.
He kissed me goodbye when it was my last day working before going to Mexico. He grabbed me for a hug, and then kissed me. It was cute. Just because he was trying to be discreet.
I measured his hands to my boobs. He can get a hand full, but that's about it. No clothes has come off, but there has been touching. I like how he just randomly hugs me, and kisses me by grabbing my face. When he kisses my neck, ugh.... then he caresses my ears because he knows I can't stand it. He's so weird, but I like him. I actually like this idiot. Life factors though. I wonder where I'll be next year.

Another day...

Lately I've been thinking about pregnancies, and how I would probably not be down for that. Just yet. I mean, sometimes I don't even think its in the cards for me, which is sad, but also a thought that I've always had. It's weird to think that there could be a little person with your features, and a hint of your personality. It's cute, but also very scary. So I don't want to talk about that anymore.

Thoughts: I don't know what I am doing. I can't decide on who I like. I'm trying to leave it up to chance, and let things run their coarse, but it's hard. You think you want something, and then you get it, but realize you don't really feel the same way any longer. Everything is so complicated.

Life should be easy, and not as entertainingly hard.

Potential: I need a new thing in my life. Something that excites me. I was recently offer an opportunity to venture into a different food related position. I had considered it for the longest, since the first time it had been suggested as an opportunity, but I was never too sure. It didn't feel like something I would be excited about, and people glamorize things just to get you interested. So I hate  that. I saw things in a realistic perspective. Who I would be following into this position, the chances of this new-not so concrete business, and where it would lead me. Mostly it was the knowledge of the person who was offering me the chance, and how he's dealt with his previous businesses. It wasn't a positive perspective. So I declined that. I usually can't say "no", but this time I went with it purposely. I knew I was gonna say no from the beginning. And sure after that I was annoyed, and feeling confused, but I stand by my choice. No regrets. Ever.

Life puts you in decision making situations, just to see where you end up.

Relationships: Sorry, but I still can't stand this. I'm 24 now, and haven't been committed to anyone, ever. So what am I missing? Closure with a different human being that is not family related. Getting to know someone inside out other than myself. The patience of making things work out, and not giving up too quickly. Caring. Loving. Feeling. Being open about yourself, and leaving open the chance to get hurt. Badly hurt. Yes, that's what I am avoiding. Plus, I am not gonna waste my time with people that are not going to be 100% with me. And I hate that everything is about sex. 

Life's expectation is that you reproduce for the sake of humanity. (I hate being told what to do.)

Other topics: I feel that if I had some privacy in my home I would be more human. I say that because I share a room with my sister, and I hate cleaning after her, which means that I don't make a habit of cleaning things. I don't like people getting my stuff. I never share. I don't like other things mixing with my things. Keep your shit on your side or to yourself. I don't care. I don't want to deal with your shit, and there is never anything I like around here. I don't even like coming home. This is not home. I hate it here, sometimes. I want to be an adult so bad. I feel childish. 

When you think you can keep something up, but then realize that the hassle is just not worth it. I can keep my calendar up to date, but a blog or a tumblr? I just quickly lose interest. Tumblr had a hype, and everyone that stuck with it probably still has fun with it, but I deleted my initial account, then went and did a random account, deleted that, and once again made an account that I just browse through. It was fun at the start, but then it gets too addicting, and it becomes a bore. Life's boring anyway. Blogging has never been my hyped either. I'll do it, and be all in to it for like 2 hours, and then get over it. Wooo, then nothing. I feel liked I've done so much already with what I have written so far. Its exhausting. Or maybe I'm just tired. Who knows. I definitely don't.

I've come to realize that I am just going by. Getting by. Living by. Something by. Things have become so repetitive that they eventually become annoying. Go to work, go to sleep, go out to drink, stay home to read, watch a movie, take a nap, ignore people, think about life, think about nothing, watch Parenthood, watch stand up, spend money on nothing, just spend money, think about the past, ignore the past, meet people, forget people, drink iced coffee, and walk. Walk everywhere. I feel like I do the same thing over an over. Sure it becomes natural, but then something disturbs the "normal", and you become annoyed. Why can't it just stay the same!?!?

I hate when people lie. Why do they do it? Just don't say anything. If I had to hear a lie or nothing, I will choose NOTHING all the time. What's the point of lying? People find out the truth either way. So why must people waste their breath on it. Just own up to shit, or be real. Don't beat around the bush, don't do "white lies". Those are still constituted as lies. Anything that strays from the truth is a lie. Don't do it. Just step away. I rather have nothing.

I'm tired now. Maybe I'll do this again soon. Emphasis on the MAYBE,

Music/23

Man, this year was full of music. Beautiful music!!

I had a feeling about my 23rd birthday, I'm not sure what kind of feeling, but something. I expected good things to happen on my 23rd. The best thing that I could think about is all the live performances that I got to see. The people that I got to share them with. I swear that is the hardest thing to choose. Who to go with...

And the hardship of tolerating some, because you have no other choice. That sucks. That is the worst realization. To think that you are just tolerating someone. It's kind of disgusting. Like, who wants to be in that shitty position, and accept it. Ugh. People are so stupid.

Back to the music...
If I remember correctly I saw Kings Of Leon first, and that was a lovely mission. I got the tickets for a theater in Chula Vista, which meant we had to drive close to San Diego from LA. We rented a car, we rented a room, and my sister and I drove to spend one night at a strangers house for my birthday weekend. It was uncommon, but at the same time it was wonderful. I loved it.
Then we went to see Blue October, and that was the best. Justin is like a God. His voice is just...beautiful. I had to contain the tears for that. Then seeing him again at the end of the year was even heartwarming.

There was Coachella, which was a lifetime experience, but I also almost died. Don't know what the hell exactly happened there, but I am still here. All those performances we caught: Bastille, Kid Cudi, Solange, Lana Del Rey, Outkast, Broken Bells, Lorde, Ellie Goulding, City and Colour, Zedd, Aloe Blacc, Calvin Harris, Cage The Elephant, and many more from a distance. Honestly, that was a good music experience. I just feel that going with friends would be much better. Can't wait for next year.

The All American Rejects, Arctic Monkeys, Linkin Park, 30 Seconds to Mars, Erik Hassle, Romeo Santos (mom!), Two Gallants, The Black Keys, The Backstreet Boys, Cage The Elephant (again!), and Walk The Moon.

And to those that I purchase tickets to but didn't ene going...
The Script, One Republic, Paramore, Fall Out Boy, The Used, Taking Back Sunday, and an acoustic set by Justin from Blue October.
I felt bad, and angry in most situations for missing you guys. Shit happens.

When I was 23 I went to a shit load of concerts, discovered a favorite beer, made out with strangers, had a fling, expressed my love for films (by constantly going to the movies), accepted credit card debt into my life. Enjoyed a family vacation to Vegas, then went to Vegas with friends. Ugh. Lost touch with some friends, but gain others. Welcomed D's baby into this world, lost touch with my first boss by gaining a different one. Momentarily gave up on school, thats still on lingo. Started reading crappy romance novels again. Saw the best movie ever! Guardians of the Galaxy. I swear I just love it because of the music. I expanded my taste in music. I've survive a year with a license without owning a car of my own. Hopefully that works in my favor when I look for car insurance in the future. I was suppose to graduate this year, but didn't. I didn't leave the country. Stayed safely at home. Went hiking sometimes. Didn't meet the love of my life, unfortunately. But did fall in love with different songs. Plus. I didn't gain a tattoo like I wished to do, but next year looks promising. Next year...should be good. I want things. I'm tired of needing things.

*So my sister just got flowers left outside our apartment door. That was sweet. My mother and I laughed.

ending..

I am really bad with keeping shit updated, unless you are twitter or instagram. I can't understand how I can rapidly update that and not even think about this.I remember when you were brand knew and wanted to be on here all the time. I guess the problem is that there really isn't much socializing on here. Like, who reads this shit? What's the point?

Fuck, the year is ending. I have no bragging rights as of now. I did bake some cookies a few days ago, they're pretty bomb. It's also going to be more than a year since I've had to deal with this horrible face of mine. I just don't understand why my face won't clear up. I wash it, most of the time. I try to be continuous in my face wash routings, but you know shit gets boring. Why can't they just stop coming out on their own, and leave me alone. I've suffered enough this year!!

I feel like I drank a lot this year, which led to many weird events in my life happening. No regrets! I mean, shit happens for a reason. That's my excuse for everything. Yeah, I'm not too sure how I feel about certain things that happened. I guess, I can't say much about it now because they already happened, and I couldn't changed them if I wanted to.

Life is weird.

I'm still waiting for the big BOOM. You know how everyone brags that you are here for a reason. You have a purpose in life to meet. I just don't know where exactly I fit in. Where do I find it. I've done some weird shit, and till this day I still don't know what the fuck. My only consolation is that I'm not stuck doing something I don't tolerate. Fuck that. Fuck discomfort, and fuck people that make you feel uncomfortable.

Moody feelings: I wish I was more grounded, but at the same time I still feel like I have some growing up to do. Like understand more fully that life is shit, and people work, and money is the devil. That everything has a fucken cost. Fuck that. I hate it. I hate money, and the power that it has. At the same time I don't think I would have the balls to survive like those travelers. How do they do it!?!?!?!?!?!??!

Dance The Night Away...

I love The Anniversary...
Thanks to Little Buzo aka Cousin Danny aka Music Guru I came across this album, The Majesty, and I was just instantly (ugh, I don't know the right word), but the album is good. I just loved it. I remember those middle school days of carrying a case with maybe 4-5 disks and my disk player. Ha. I liked my player because it had a feature were I could switch the covers, which had about three covers. Of course, my favorite was the green one. Damn those days.

A couple of days ago I was wearing some old hoodie that I have and I noticed a hole on one of my pockets. This reminded me of those days were I would make a hole for my earphone cord. Trying to be very sneaky so the earphones wouldn't be visible during school time. I am pretty sure that most of my sweaters had that little addition.

Cheers to music and earphone holes!!