Right now

I thought that words could revive feelings. I have learned they do not.


I just went through every post I ever submitted on here, and was surprised by some findings. Saved some old pictures to my phone. Wondered to myself about my ever present self esteem issues. Question if things that I thought to ponder about were ever really important. Laughed at all the mirror selfies I loved to share with my phones. Missed things. Miss people. Hate those feelings that I experience, and wrote about. Memory is bad.

Laughed at my random about me’s. Which made me realize that I really am obsessed with myself. My sister recently brought it up, but I laughed about it. Now it turns out she’s most definitely correct.

Sorry 2018, and 2019, looks like nothing exciting happened to write about. Honestly, in this moment nothing is jumping out at me from memory lane. I’m probably suppressing everything. My last post was about my job, and how stressful it was, then about the guy that I couldn’t get over. I still can’t. The mind is horrible place to get lost in.

2020,
You just started, and I feel cold at the moment. My 29th birthday is fast approaching, and I still don’t know what I want. No longer at Dominos. No longer living with my mother. No longer have a best friend to share every single occurrence with. No goals. No ideas. Still hopeless. I think, most likely still sad too.

EH,
You’ll never know it, or maybe I’ll never be as straightforward as I wish to be. You were the guy for me. You were perfect. Funny and smart. Tall. Dark. And for some weird reason extremely handsome, to me. And even though I made fun of your “retarded laugh”, I loved it. That raspy laugh that sounded like you couldn’t breath. I miss it. I thought you were honest, and refreshing. I was instantly physically attracted to you from the first time I saw you, even if you thought it was weird. I’ll never forget seeing you for the first time, and thinking to myself **fuck**. Some part of me knew you would be trouble. And you were. Never did I think I would put myself in a vulnerable position until I experienced you. And even though I never made it easy for you. I always hoped you would come around, and break my walls. My insecurities about love. Made me believe. I hoped for the best, but ended up with disappointment, heartbreak, and a more cynical perspective towards relationships. We were nothing, but you were everything to me. Unknowingly. So now I wonder to myself: if I had said something...would it had made a difference? I wonder if I had stuck to my initial no’s would I still be feeling this today. Most importantly, I question, why you? Why did I have to experience you? Why did you have to make me feel the way that I felt? Why

I’m disappointed. In you. For not being the person I thought you to be. For not keeping the perfect. For the horrible feelings that made me break. For not being able to move on. For missing the feeling of your touch. Nobody has ever made me feel the look of their eyes. I felt that with you. I miss it. I miss it a lot, but I hate the pain. And right now, I’m wondering if it’s the good feelings that I miss or the horrible feelings. Because that’s what made me realize that I was breakable. Also very capable of getting attached to someone, and caring. Fucken Asshole. I hate you, which pisses me off. because it means I still have feelings for you.