I've been a GM for a whole year....
It is very surreal for me to find myself here, where I currently am. I remember when I started working, and thinking about getting out. The future. I thought about the future, and where I wanted to not be. I worried so much about that. My main goal has always been to be happy. Whatever I am doing or wherever I find myself. I just want to be content. Relaxed. I don't want to worry....but here I am....stressed out...on the verge of giving up.
I miss the nothingness. I wish I didn't have to have mini panic attacks every time I think about my store...and whether everything is okay....my first store was easy...even though I hated it. I was so wrung out with all the store needs....and the stuff I didn't have. I can't even think about how I made it out alive...the holidays...those were horrible...the weekends...man how we killed the people we had. But we survived....
The only thought that kept me going was the simple fact that the current situation was not permanent. It was horrible, but at one point it will not be...and that's what I needed to focus on.
Today I am tired....I have a heavy store that weights on my shoulders....the first week I stepped in that store I was blown away with feelings. It felt horrible being there...I almost threw up everyday that I was there the first week. It felt weird....I still feel weird.
I keep thinking about the things I want. About the things that I don't have. I have a year of management experience in me now....What can I do with it....with no education...I was so close...and I gave up. Where do I want to go now....Some days I feel like doing nothing...and some days I literally do nothing...but it's not enough...
Almost 6 years with this brand...How many more am I going to give it.
Thursday, November 3
Feels...
I don't know how I feel...Am I suppressing my feelings? Or did they never exist? Where they ever real? What the fuck am I. Why am I able to distance myself at no cost of harm...Emotionally dead....
I told him I was done, or did I even say those words? I can't recall. But I remember the tears, and the fear...I wasn't scared of him. I was scared that I would chicken out, and not go through with it. Or that I would end up going back, like the other times. My emotions. I can't handle them. They make me act on impulse. But I had my reasons...and it wouldn't be fair to be so selfless just to keep another person happy.
I miss him. Everyday I miss him. Every day I think about him. Its been a week, and two days since I last spoke to him...I feel weird. The first days I had a horrible persistent feeling. I would feel it in my chest, like whenever I find out something...I get a premonition feeling. And then I'm just waiting...
How did I end up here??
How do you even believe a liar...Why didn't I care before? Why did it have to take so long for me to be like "I can't be in this situation." Did my heart break? Oh yes, many times I think.
That time with the hickeys...He was being so weird...and then I saw them, but he knew, and I was just disgusted with myself. How the hell did I end up with a guy, with a gf, and fucking who else more. Why did I have to be that stupid girl. Why did I have to go with the flow of my feelings. Can I blame him for the attention that he bestowed on me....why did he have to make it look like he cared. Make me feel like I was someone special to him....Who else did he make feel that way...That's the most horrible realization. What other girl is questioning his actions, and feelings like me.
He left, and everyday he said he missed me, but who else was he also saying those simple words too as well... He asked me to go visit him, and I considered it. I really did want to see him. Feel him again. Kiss him. Poke his ribs like I would every time I would see him.
Then the end. He had told me a couple of weeks prior that he had broken up with his gf, and I was surprised that he actually told me that himself, since he never even spoke about her to me. But we were the same...Talked on the phone every once in a while...texted. But then I spoke to a mutual acquaintance who told me his gf was quitting her job to go spend the holidays with him...and I was shocked. How did I even keep my face neutral,,,,when my heart was stunned. I just didn't even know what to make of it...So I told him I needed to talk to him, but I wanted to do it alone, when I was able to really discuss stuff. He of course couldn't wait. He called my cellphone, and since I didn't answer that, he called my work. He wanted to know what it was...I told him to wait...he was persistent, but I am stubborn myself...he asked me what had he done....I said nothing...that it wasn't important, but I did want to talk to him...he was surprised because I never want to talk him. At least in the sense in which I seek him out to do so.....So that was that....
I left work...on the verge of tears...It wasn't fair....Here I was missing him, and feeling miserable because I couldn't see him physically...and being mad because he wouldn't reply to me or called me every day like he would some days.....I called my friend...stalling the conversation, but then I said fuck it...need to talk to him now. So I called him....but he didn't answer....but then he called me back...and I remember considering not to answer him, but then I accepted the call...I asked him if he was busy...he said he was at a store like always...I offered to call back, he said no, his curiosity always gets the best of him....So he asked me what was up....I couldn't say it...I didn't know how to word it...and then I just said it...I don't think I should talk to you anymore....he asked me if I was serious? why? what did he do? How do you explain to a guy you always told you were heartless about your feelings....
I don't remember what I said...I told him I couldn't deal with him anymore, he questioned his actions, I clarified that I couldn't deal with how he made me feel anymore. What was the point...he was over there, and I was over here....and his gf. He reminded me he didn't have a gf anymore, that he hadn't talk to her in a long time....
He's a good liar tho...he can talk himself out of anything. He's pretty smart that way.
He cut me off on the verge of my emotional outbreak...said he would call me back later. I told him to not bother...he said he would, and I could either answer or not....I cried all the way to my best friends house...I had gotten sick the prior day...so my pale face didn't give me away...I pretended to be tired, and hungry...I couldn't even talk about how I was feeling...
I went home...I got in bed...wondered if he would call me back, and whether I would answer him. I went to sleep, to forget, to move on, to not feel what I was feeling, then I woke up....and then he did call....and I looked at my phone, at his contact picture...and contemplated....I didn't answer. I had my phone in my hand...and I just let it ring. I wanted to cry again...I thought about just not bothering with him anymore. To just end it like that....but then I called him back....the phone rang...too many rings. I hung up. He called me back....I answered....He acted like nothing...he asked me what was wrong with me...if I was feeling emotional. If my heart hurt because of him...I told him what heart...he laughed...I can't remember if I was too quiet...but he questioned me, and I told him I was over it. The feelings weren't as a raw anymore...I was recovering from that moment of weakness....I don't know what made him think I didn't want to talk to him, but he offered to call me back later. I said okay...ended the conversation. ended his contact information on my phone...blocked him from social media...blocked him from my phone...trying to block him from my heart....
I wanted to talk to him, but he shut me down, which made me feel stupid for even trying to explain anything to him. So now I am rationalizing my actions...Today is day 9 of no communication. Tomorrow day 10. In the past year...this is the longest that I have not talked to him since we started talking....Feels like I am missing a part of me...And I don't know how that makes me feel. Some days I want to just forget it, and pretend nothing happened. That hearing that his gf is jealous of me wouldn't bug me so much. I knew she was there all along, but we had no association, and I never feared she would find out....but hearing that she might..that just made me feel horrible.
He doesn't care. I feel this now. I was stupid enough to fall for him, while warning him off to not fall for me...I hate the I love you's that we exchanged...all those kisses that he gave me when he was neared me...It felt like he couldn't stay away...Every time we would be in a room together...he would gravitate to me. If I ignored him...he would look at me until I paid attention to him...the feeling of having his eyes on me....his laugh when I would say something....that time he told me I was pretty. that time he told me he liked me because I was smart....or when he realized I knew him so well....what was the point of all that...
I told him I was done, or did I even say those words? I can't recall. But I remember the tears, and the fear...I wasn't scared of him. I was scared that I would chicken out, and not go through with it. Or that I would end up going back, like the other times. My emotions. I can't handle them. They make me act on impulse. But I had my reasons...and it wouldn't be fair to be so selfless just to keep another person happy.
I miss him. Everyday I miss him. Every day I think about him. Its been a week, and two days since I last spoke to him...I feel weird. The first days I had a horrible persistent feeling. I would feel it in my chest, like whenever I find out something...I get a premonition feeling. And then I'm just waiting...
How did I end up here??
How do you even believe a liar...Why didn't I care before? Why did it have to take so long for me to be like "I can't be in this situation." Did my heart break? Oh yes, many times I think.
That time with the hickeys...He was being so weird...and then I saw them, but he knew, and I was just disgusted with myself. How the hell did I end up with a guy, with a gf, and fucking who else more. Why did I have to be that stupid girl. Why did I have to go with the flow of my feelings. Can I blame him for the attention that he bestowed on me....why did he have to make it look like he cared. Make me feel like I was someone special to him....Who else did he make feel that way...That's the most horrible realization. What other girl is questioning his actions, and feelings like me.
He left, and everyday he said he missed me, but who else was he also saying those simple words too as well... He asked me to go visit him, and I considered it. I really did want to see him. Feel him again. Kiss him. Poke his ribs like I would every time I would see him.
Then the end. He had told me a couple of weeks prior that he had broken up with his gf, and I was surprised that he actually told me that himself, since he never even spoke about her to me. But we were the same...Talked on the phone every once in a while...texted. But then I spoke to a mutual acquaintance who told me his gf was quitting her job to go spend the holidays with him...and I was shocked. How did I even keep my face neutral,,,,when my heart was stunned. I just didn't even know what to make of it...So I told him I needed to talk to him, but I wanted to do it alone, when I was able to really discuss stuff. He of course couldn't wait. He called my cellphone, and since I didn't answer that, he called my work. He wanted to know what it was...I told him to wait...he was persistent, but I am stubborn myself...he asked me what had he done....I said nothing...that it wasn't important, but I did want to talk to him...he was surprised because I never want to talk him. At least in the sense in which I seek him out to do so.....So that was that....
I left work...on the verge of tears...It wasn't fair....Here I was missing him, and feeling miserable because I couldn't see him physically...and being mad because he wouldn't reply to me or called me every day like he would some days.....I called my friend...stalling the conversation, but then I said fuck it...need to talk to him now. So I called him....but he didn't answer....but then he called me back...and I remember considering not to answer him, but then I accepted the call...I asked him if he was busy...he said he was at a store like always...I offered to call back, he said no, his curiosity always gets the best of him....So he asked me what was up....I couldn't say it...I didn't know how to word it...and then I just said it...I don't think I should talk to you anymore....he asked me if I was serious? why? what did he do? How do you explain to a guy you always told you were heartless about your feelings....
I don't remember what I said...I told him I couldn't deal with him anymore, he questioned his actions, I clarified that I couldn't deal with how he made me feel anymore. What was the point...he was over there, and I was over here....and his gf. He reminded me he didn't have a gf anymore, that he hadn't talk to her in a long time....
He's a good liar tho...he can talk himself out of anything. He's pretty smart that way.
He cut me off on the verge of my emotional outbreak...said he would call me back later. I told him to not bother...he said he would, and I could either answer or not....I cried all the way to my best friends house...I had gotten sick the prior day...so my pale face didn't give me away...I pretended to be tired, and hungry...I couldn't even talk about how I was feeling...
I went home...I got in bed...wondered if he would call me back, and whether I would answer him. I went to sleep, to forget, to move on, to not feel what I was feeling, then I woke up....and then he did call....and I looked at my phone, at his contact picture...and contemplated....I didn't answer. I had my phone in my hand...and I just let it ring. I wanted to cry again...I thought about just not bothering with him anymore. To just end it like that....but then I called him back....the phone rang...too many rings. I hung up. He called me back....I answered....He acted like nothing...he asked me what was wrong with me...if I was feeling emotional. If my heart hurt because of him...I told him what heart...he laughed...I can't remember if I was too quiet...but he questioned me, and I told him I was over it. The feelings weren't as a raw anymore...I was recovering from that moment of weakness....I don't know what made him think I didn't want to talk to him, but he offered to call me back later. I said okay...ended the conversation. ended his contact information on my phone...blocked him from social media...blocked him from my phone...trying to block him from my heart....
I wanted to talk to him, but he shut me down, which made me feel stupid for even trying to explain anything to him. So now I am rationalizing my actions...Today is day 9 of no communication. Tomorrow day 10. In the past year...this is the longest that I have not talked to him since we started talking....Feels like I am missing a part of me...And I don't know how that makes me feel. Some days I want to just forget it, and pretend nothing happened. That hearing that his gf is jealous of me wouldn't bug me so much. I knew she was there all along, but we had no association, and I never feared she would find out....but hearing that she might..that just made me feel horrible.
He doesn't care. I feel this now. I was stupid enough to fall for him, while warning him off to not fall for me...I hate the I love you's that we exchanged...all those kisses that he gave me when he was neared me...It felt like he couldn't stay away...Every time we would be in a room together...he would gravitate to me. If I ignored him...he would look at me until I paid attention to him...the feeling of having his eyes on me....his laugh when I would say something....that time he told me I was pretty. that time he told me he liked me because I was smart....or when he realized I knew him so well....what was the point of all that...
Friday, October 21
Now/2016
Where has the time gone... since that last post talking about my future lover, which to be honest, I never thought he would be my first, or that he would become someone important in my life. Literally the person I run to with questions and concerns. We had a little break, where I was stupid, and childish, and didn't talk to him for over a month. Then I met someone else, and that too got complicated. And now here I am, alone, miserable, and contemplating my life decisions.
Life points: became a gm, slept with two guys, fucked a guy with a girlfriend, fell in love, hated love, failed miserably at my first store, applied for a second store, hate current situation, got left behind by a lover, purchased my own car, acquired debt, and more debt, car crash, my sister moved out, cried for a whole week, went to Vegas, had sex in Vegas, had sex in hotel rooms, took road trips, ignored people, no pregnancy scares, got drunk, made out with some randoms, blacked out, lost my phone, hate everything.
November 2015, I was promoted to general manager, just weeks before that happened I went to Vegas where I had sex for the first time. All new things happening in the end of the year I guess. New beginnings everywhere. The store was great, but hard to build up, it was a good experience to start up. There was no claimed relationship with the guy I was having sex with, just a thing that happened, which then led to not talking. Because really, who wants to be in lingo all the time. Like fuck, how cliche, but what are we??? should always be clear.
December 2015, working, always working.,acquainted myself with lover number two, who was really appealing even from the start. I remember seeing him in our area meetings for the first time, and thinking FUCK, this guy is trouble...and look at me now a year later...disgustingly inlove with the idiot.
January 2016, saving my bonus checks to acquire myself a new car....hiring people, building my own crew, and losing some...'
February 2016....he leaves for a week and I miss him terribly. disgustingly get attached to the wrong guy... stop talking to the first guy because he's an idiot, and never made any moves....and what type of guy gives nothing to the girl they are fucking on valentines day....like honestly....a fucken text would have been gracious. store gets evaluated...and miss the grand 5 by a few....feel miserable...this is where the whole week of misery occurs....confess to best friend about lover number 1
March 2016,,,I crash into my store building...nothing physically happens to me...this accident does lead to......I purchase my own car HOORAY, number two kisses me for the first time, and its crazy, its always been crazy with him....but I'm still talking to number one, and in between these I get a number three in the picture,,,who wants to declare his affection for me all loud and clear, which the first two cant seem to come clear about....life gets really confusing. make my confusion to number one clear, and end it.....number two leaves again...and don't see him for over a month...block him off my phone when I realize i like him....and then unblock him because I can't help but talk to him....
April 2016....working...cant remember anything special...sneaking around with number two..having late breakfast... he kisses me, and the way he touched me in the parking lot...so attentive with his hands....
may 2016...store gets evaluated again...horrible day at work...not looking forward to annual work related meeting which takes place in vegas following month... number two is driving me crazy...thought i would not get attached because all he wanted was to have fun....but he still touches me, and i still want to touch him... and the way his skin feels in my hand... im all stupid for his attention...he makes me feel special...and like i matter...and we just get along so easy...
june 2016....i have sex with number two...and its good........hes good...i just like him so much....but hes leaving soon... and its all just horrible again... number one wants to come back in the picture...and number two has a gf....and possibly other lovers...world is just chaotic...i dont want anything but to have a good moment...meet up with number two at his favorite hotel...see hickeys left by another on him....cry to myself...hate myself for being so stupid and thinking that he could be different....he will never change...pretend that i am okay...and continue seeing him...
july 2016.. he leaves...and goodbye is bittersweet....a last night of love making...followed by drunk i love yous....nothing works...he just leaves...he claims to miss me...but what is it really that one misses about another person....
august 2016...i get second evaluation on first store. fail it even worse....worst time...not only am i leaving to my second store, but i miss number two miserably, and he calls me everyday...and its just not fair... that he leaves and thats when he decides to be more attentive...second store is overwhelming...and super busy.... cant seem to make things work....people dont care...which makes me not care. cry all the time because nobody can relate to what i am feeling...
september 2016...cant seem to have time for anything....waiting for evaluator to show up to second store...running horrible numbers...cant seem to save myself...number two calls me, and then disappears...he doesnt even notice that i block him...actually he does because he calls me from a different number...he doesnt question my actions tho....just keeps on talking like i never left him...feelings are confusing....evaluator comes to store...do better than expected...still running bad numbers tho...
october 2016....store is bad...feelings are bad.....miserable at everything...feel tired all the time...owner visits store and hates it...i hate myself...so caught up on my feelings for this asshole that i cant even think for myself.....contemplating different life decisions....
so there is...a round about of the year...and my feelings...i wish i had written down the events....as they happened....i like reading my experiences and then reliving the feelings...it makes me remember that i am living....
Life points: became a gm, slept with two guys, fucked a guy with a girlfriend, fell in love, hated love, failed miserably at my first store, applied for a second store, hate current situation, got left behind by a lover, purchased my own car, acquired debt, and more debt, car crash, my sister moved out, cried for a whole week, went to Vegas, had sex in Vegas, had sex in hotel rooms, took road trips, ignored people, no pregnancy scares, got drunk, made out with some randoms, blacked out, lost my phone, hate everything.
November 2015, I was promoted to general manager, just weeks before that happened I went to Vegas where I had sex for the first time. All new things happening in the end of the year I guess. New beginnings everywhere. The store was great, but hard to build up, it was a good experience to start up. There was no claimed relationship with the guy I was having sex with, just a thing that happened, which then led to not talking. Because really, who wants to be in lingo all the time. Like fuck, how cliche, but what are we??? should always be clear.
December 2015, working, always working.,acquainted myself with lover number two, who was really appealing even from the start. I remember seeing him in our area meetings for the first time, and thinking FUCK, this guy is trouble...and look at me now a year later...disgustingly inlove with the idiot.
January 2016, saving my bonus checks to acquire myself a new car....hiring people, building my own crew, and losing some...'
February 2016....he leaves for a week and I miss him terribly. disgustingly get attached to the wrong guy... stop talking to the first guy because he's an idiot, and never made any moves....and what type of guy gives nothing to the girl they are fucking on valentines day....like honestly....a fucken text would have been gracious. store gets evaluated...and miss the grand 5 by a few....feel miserable...this is where the whole week of misery occurs....confess to best friend about lover number 1
March 2016,,,I crash into my store building...nothing physically happens to me...this accident does lead to......I purchase my own car HOORAY, number two kisses me for the first time, and its crazy, its always been crazy with him....but I'm still talking to number one, and in between these I get a number three in the picture,,,who wants to declare his affection for me all loud and clear, which the first two cant seem to come clear about....life gets really confusing. make my confusion to number one clear, and end it.....number two leaves again...and don't see him for over a month...block him off my phone when I realize i like him....and then unblock him because I can't help but talk to him....
April 2016....working...cant remember anything special...sneaking around with number two..having late breakfast... he kisses me, and the way he touched me in the parking lot...so attentive with his hands....
may 2016...store gets evaluated again...horrible day at work...not looking forward to annual work related meeting which takes place in vegas following month... number two is driving me crazy...thought i would not get attached because all he wanted was to have fun....but he still touches me, and i still want to touch him... and the way his skin feels in my hand... im all stupid for his attention...he makes me feel special...and like i matter...and we just get along so easy...
june 2016....i have sex with number two...and its good........hes good...i just like him so much....but hes leaving soon... and its all just horrible again... number one wants to come back in the picture...and number two has a gf....and possibly other lovers...world is just chaotic...i dont want anything but to have a good moment...meet up with number two at his favorite hotel...see hickeys left by another on him....cry to myself...hate myself for being so stupid and thinking that he could be different....he will never change...pretend that i am okay...and continue seeing him...
july 2016.. he leaves...and goodbye is bittersweet....a last night of love making...followed by drunk i love yous....nothing works...he just leaves...he claims to miss me...but what is it really that one misses about another person....
august 2016...i get second evaluation on first store. fail it even worse....worst time...not only am i leaving to my second store, but i miss number two miserably, and he calls me everyday...and its just not fair... that he leaves and thats when he decides to be more attentive...second store is overwhelming...and super busy.... cant seem to make things work....people dont care...which makes me not care. cry all the time because nobody can relate to what i am feeling...
september 2016...cant seem to have time for anything....waiting for evaluator to show up to second store...running horrible numbers...cant seem to save myself...number two calls me, and then disappears...he doesnt even notice that i block him...actually he does because he calls me from a different number...he doesnt question my actions tho....just keeps on talking like i never left him...feelings are confusing....evaluator comes to store...do better than expected...still running bad numbers tho...
october 2016....store is bad...feelings are bad.....miserable at everything...feel tired all the time...owner visits store and hates it...i hate myself...so caught up on my feelings for this asshole that i cant even think for myself.....contemplating different life decisions....
so there is...a round about of the year...and my feelings...i wish i had written down the events....as they happened....i like reading my experiences and then reliving the feelings...it makes me remember that i am living....
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