Now/2016

Where has the time gone... since that last post talking about my future lover, which to be honest, I never thought he would be my first, or that he would become someone important in my life. Literally the person I run to with questions and concerns. We had a little break, where I was stupid, and childish, and didn't talk to him for over a month. Then I met someone else, and that too got complicated. And now here I am, alone, miserable, and contemplating my life decisions.

Life points: became a gm, slept with two guys, fucked a guy with a girlfriend, fell in love, hated love, failed miserably at my first store, applied for a second store, hate current situation, got left behind by a lover, purchased my own car, acquired debt, and more debt, car crash, my sister moved out, cried for a whole week, went to Vegas, had sex in Vegas, had sex in hotel rooms, took road trips, ignored people, no pregnancy scares, got drunk, made out with some randoms, blacked out, lost my phone, hate everything.

November 2015, I was promoted to general manager, just weeks before that happened I went to Vegas where I had sex for the first time. All new things happening in the end of the year I guess. New beginnings everywhere. The store was great, but hard to build up, it was a good experience to start up. There was no claimed relationship with the guy I was having sex with, just a thing that happened, which then led to not talking. Because really, who wants to be in lingo all the time. Like fuck, how cliche, but what are we??? should always be clear.

December 2015, working, always working.,acquainted myself with lover number two, who was really appealing even from the start. I remember seeing him in our area meetings for the first time, and thinking FUCK, this guy is trouble...and look at me now a year later...disgustingly inlove with the idiot.

January 2016, saving my bonus checks to acquire myself a new car....hiring people, building my own crew, and losing some...'

February 2016....he leaves for a week and I miss him terribly. disgustingly get attached to the wrong guy... stop talking to the first guy because he's an idiot, and never made any moves....and what type of guy gives nothing to the girl they are fucking on valentines day....like honestly....a fucken text would have been gracious. store gets evaluated...and miss the grand 5 by a few....feel miserable...this is where the whole week of misery occurs....confess to best friend about lover number 1

March 2016,,,I crash into my store building...nothing physically happens to me...this accident does lead to......I purchase my own car HOORAY, number two kisses me for the first time, and its crazy, its always been crazy with him....but I'm still talking to number one, and in between these I get a number three in the picture,,,who wants to declare his affection for me all loud and clear, which the first two cant seem to come clear about....life gets really confusing. make my confusion to number one clear, and end it.....number two leaves again...and don't see him for over a month...block him off my phone when I realize i like him....and then unblock him because I can't help but talk to him....

April 2016....working...cant remember anything special...sneaking around with number two..having late breakfast... he kisses me, and the way he touched me in the parking lot...so attentive with his hands....

may 2016...store gets evaluated again...horrible day at work...not looking forward to annual work related meeting which takes place in vegas following month... number two is driving me crazy...thought i would not get attached because all he wanted was to have fun....but he still touches me, and i still want to touch him... and the way his skin feels in my hand... im all stupid for his attention...he makes me feel special...and like i matter...and we just get along so easy...

june 2016....i have sex with number two...and its good........hes good...i just like him so much....but hes leaving soon... and its all just horrible again... number one wants to come back in the picture...and number two has a gf....and possibly other lovers...world is just chaotic...i dont want anything but to have a good moment...meet up with number two at his favorite hotel...see hickeys left by another on him....cry to myself...hate myself for being so stupid and thinking that he could be different....he will never change...pretend that i am okay...and continue seeing him...

july 2016.. he leaves...and goodbye is bittersweet....a last night of love making...followed by drunk i love yous....nothing works...he just leaves...he claims to miss me...but what is it really that one misses about another person....

august 2016...i get second evaluation on first store. fail it even worse....worst time...not only am i leaving to my second store, but i miss number two miserably, and he calls me everyday...and its just not fair... that he leaves and thats when he decides to be more attentive...second store is overwhelming...and super busy.... cant seem to make things work....people dont care...which makes me not care. cry all the time because nobody can relate to what i am feeling...

september 2016...cant seem to have time for anything....waiting for evaluator to show up to second store...running horrible numbers...cant seem to save myself...number two calls me, and then disappears...he doesnt even notice that i block him...actually he does because he calls me from a different number...he doesnt question my actions tho....just keeps on talking like i never left him...feelings are confusing....evaluator comes to store...do better than expected...still running bad numbers tho...

october 2016....store is bad...feelings are bad.....miserable at everything...feel tired all the time...owner visits store and hates it...i hate myself...so caught up on my feelings for this asshole that i cant even think for myself.....contemplating different life decisions....



so there is...a round about of the year...and my feelings...i wish i had written down the events....as they happened....i like reading my experiences and then reliving the feelings...it makes me remember that i am living....