HIM

The feelings are complicated. I'm not sure anymore. I want it, but at the same time its bleh. I want to push you away to see how far you'll back away. What's your limit? How far would you go in order to not come back....

The first time I had a dream with him, I was pregnant. The dream felt so real. I had a huge belly already, and was concerned about stretch marks. So in my dream I was going to a store to look for the butter cream. The place my dream took place looked like a camp. Almost a military camp or something really similar. And he was important. He had an important position in my dream, and I was running away. I don't know why, but I was looking to escape from him. There was somebody with me during this dream. Like I was talking to someone, and he wasn't around for most of the dream, but I knew it was him. The baby was his, and I was leaving. The confusing thing is that I can't remember why. Why was I leaving, and how the hell did we even end up together. I remember this dream in particular because towards the end I had the chance to escape. I was walking away, and going over things it seemed. Then he was there, catching me. At some point I trip in my dream, and my whole body goes forward, and I feel my belly stretching. Like the weight of the baby was pushing my  belly forward, with the help of gravity of course. But he was there holding back. He didn't let me fall. And that's all that I remember. I probably had this dream about 4 years ago.

The latest dream I've had with him I don't really remember much, but it also involved us being a couple. I think I was talking to some guys, most likely his friends that he always hangs around with, and then he was breaking up with me. I think it had to do with something with me talking to his friends. It was weird. I actually cared. And he was just leaving me. Ugh. The feelings man.

And now....

The first time he kissed me in real life, not in a dream, I was sort of surprised, just because I didn't really think he was interested. Then I don't know, I had always been curious about him. So I went with the flow, but he was a weird kisser. Too much tongue. I really don't like that. Plus, we had been drinking. So I wasn't too sure if it was the drinks talking or whatever. He ruined the moment by proclaiming that he wanted to fuck me. First kiss, and that's where we end up.
I can't remember our second kiss.
He kissed me goodbye when it was my last day working before going to Mexico. He grabbed me for a hug, and then kissed me. It was cute. Just because he was trying to be discreet.
I measured his hands to my boobs. He can get a hand full, but that's about it. No clothes has come off, but there has been touching. I like how he just randomly hugs me, and kisses me by grabbing my face. When he kisses my neck, ugh.... then he caresses my ears because he knows I can't stand it. He's so weird, but I like him. I actually like this idiot. Life factors though. I wonder where I'll be next year.

Another day...

Lately I've been thinking about pregnancies, and how I would probably not be down for that. Just yet. I mean, sometimes I don't even think its in the cards for me, which is sad, but also a thought that I've always had. It's weird to think that there could be a little person with your features, and a hint of your personality. It's cute, but also very scary. So I don't want to talk about that anymore.

Thoughts: I don't know what I am doing. I can't decide on who I like. I'm trying to leave it up to chance, and let things run their coarse, but it's hard. You think you want something, and then you get it, but realize you don't really feel the same way any longer. Everything is so complicated.

Life should be easy, and not as entertainingly hard.

Potential: I need a new thing in my life. Something that excites me. I was recently offer an opportunity to venture into a different food related position. I had considered it for the longest, since the first time it had been suggested as an opportunity, but I was never too sure. It didn't feel like something I would be excited about, and people glamorize things just to get you interested. So I hate  that. I saw things in a realistic perspective. Who I would be following into this position, the chances of this new-not so concrete business, and where it would lead me. Mostly it was the knowledge of the person who was offering me the chance, and how he's dealt with his previous businesses. It wasn't a positive perspective. So I declined that. I usually can't say "no", but this time I went with it purposely. I knew I was gonna say no from the beginning. And sure after that I was annoyed, and feeling confused, but I stand by my choice. No regrets. Ever.

Life puts you in decision making situations, just to see where you end up.

Relationships: Sorry, but I still can't stand this. I'm 24 now, and haven't been committed to anyone, ever. So what am I missing? Closure with a different human being that is not family related. Getting to know someone inside out other than myself. The patience of making things work out, and not giving up too quickly. Caring. Loving. Feeling. Being open about yourself, and leaving open the chance to get hurt. Badly hurt. Yes, that's what I am avoiding. Plus, I am not gonna waste my time with people that are not going to be 100% with me. And I hate that everything is about sex. 

Life's expectation is that you reproduce for the sake of humanity. (I hate being told what to do.)

Other topics: I feel that if I had some privacy in my home I would be more human. I say that because I share a room with my sister, and I hate cleaning after her, which means that I don't make a habit of cleaning things. I don't like people getting my stuff. I never share. I don't like other things mixing with my things. Keep your shit on your side or to yourself. I don't care. I don't want to deal with your shit, and there is never anything I like around here. I don't even like coming home. This is not home. I hate it here, sometimes. I want to be an adult so bad. I feel childish. 

When you think you can keep something up, but then realize that the hassle is just not worth it. I can keep my calendar up to date, but a blog or a tumblr? I just quickly lose interest. Tumblr had a hype, and everyone that stuck with it probably still has fun with it, but I deleted my initial account, then went and did a random account, deleted that, and once again made an account that I just browse through. It was fun at the start, but then it gets too addicting, and it becomes a bore. Life's boring anyway. Blogging has never been my hyped either. I'll do it, and be all in to it for like 2 hours, and then get over it. Wooo, then nothing. I feel liked I've done so much already with what I have written so far. Its exhausting. Or maybe I'm just tired. Who knows. I definitely don't.

I've come to realize that I am just going by. Getting by. Living by. Something by. Things have become so repetitive that they eventually become annoying. Go to work, go to sleep, go out to drink, stay home to read, watch a movie, take a nap, ignore people, think about life, think about nothing, watch Parenthood, watch stand up, spend money on nothing, just spend money, think about the past, ignore the past, meet people, forget people, drink iced coffee, and walk. Walk everywhere. I feel like I do the same thing over an over. Sure it becomes natural, but then something disturbs the "normal", and you become annoyed. Why can't it just stay the same!?!?

I hate when people lie. Why do they do it? Just don't say anything. If I had to hear a lie or nothing, I will choose NOTHING all the time. What's the point of lying? People find out the truth either way. So why must people waste their breath on it. Just own up to shit, or be real. Don't beat around the bush, don't do "white lies". Those are still constituted as lies. Anything that strays from the truth is a lie. Don't do it. Just step away. I rather have nothing.

I'm tired now. Maybe I'll do this again soon. Emphasis on the MAYBE,