I've been a GM for a whole year....
It is very surreal for me to find myself here, where I currently am. I remember when I started working, and thinking about getting out. The future. I thought about the future, and where I wanted to not be. I worried so much about that. My main goal has always been to be happy. Whatever I am doing or wherever I find myself. I just want to be content. Relaxed. I don't want to worry....but here I am....stressed out...on the verge of giving up.
I miss the nothingness. I wish I didn't have to have mini panic attacks every time I think about my store...and whether everything is okay....my first store was easy...even though I hated it. I was so wrung out with all the store needs....and the stuff I didn't have. I can't even think about how I made it out alive...the holidays...those were horrible...the weekends...man how we killed the people we had. But we survived....
The only thought that kept me going was the simple fact that the current situation was not permanent. It was horrible, but at one point it will not be...and that's what I needed to focus on.
Today I am tired....I have a heavy store that weights on my shoulders....the first week I stepped in that store I was blown away with feelings. It felt horrible being there...I almost threw up everyday that I was there the first week. It felt weird....I still feel weird.
I keep thinking about the things I want. About the things that I don't have. I have a year of management experience in me now....What can I do with it....with no education...I was so close...and I gave up. Where do I want to go now....Some days I feel like doing nothing...and some days I literally do nothing...but it's not enough...
Almost 6 years with this brand...How many more am I going to give it.
Thursday, November 3
Feels...
I don't know how I feel...Am I suppressing my feelings? Or did they never exist? Where they ever real? What the fuck am I. Why am I able to distance myself at no cost of harm...Emotionally dead....
I told him I was done, or did I even say those words? I can't recall. But I remember the tears, and the fear...I wasn't scared of him. I was scared that I would chicken out, and not go through with it. Or that I would end up going back, like the other times. My emotions. I can't handle them. They make me act on impulse. But I had my reasons...and it wouldn't be fair to be so selfless just to keep another person happy.
I miss him. Everyday I miss him. Every day I think about him. Its been a week, and two days since I last spoke to him...I feel weird. The first days I had a horrible persistent feeling. I would feel it in my chest, like whenever I find out something...I get a premonition feeling. And then I'm just waiting...
How did I end up here??
How do you even believe a liar...Why didn't I care before? Why did it have to take so long for me to be like "I can't be in this situation." Did my heart break? Oh yes, many times I think.
That time with the hickeys...He was being so weird...and then I saw them, but he knew, and I was just disgusted with myself. How the hell did I end up with a guy, with a gf, and fucking who else more. Why did I have to be that stupid girl. Why did I have to go with the flow of my feelings. Can I blame him for the attention that he bestowed on me....why did he have to make it look like he cared. Make me feel like I was someone special to him....Who else did he make feel that way...That's the most horrible realization. What other girl is questioning his actions, and feelings like me.
He left, and everyday he said he missed me, but who else was he also saying those simple words too as well... He asked me to go visit him, and I considered it. I really did want to see him. Feel him again. Kiss him. Poke his ribs like I would every time I would see him.
Then the end. He had told me a couple of weeks prior that he had broken up with his gf, and I was surprised that he actually told me that himself, since he never even spoke about her to me. But we were the same...Talked on the phone every once in a while...texted. But then I spoke to a mutual acquaintance who told me his gf was quitting her job to go spend the holidays with him...and I was shocked. How did I even keep my face neutral,,,,when my heart was stunned. I just didn't even know what to make of it...So I told him I needed to talk to him, but I wanted to do it alone, when I was able to really discuss stuff. He of course couldn't wait. He called my cellphone, and since I didn't answer that, he called my work. He wanted to know what it was...I told him to wait...he was persistent, but I am stubborn myself...he asked me what had he done....I said nothing...that it wasn't important, but I did want to talk to him...he was surprised because I never want to talk him. At least in the sense in which I seek him out to do so.....So that was that....
I left work...on the verge of tears...It wasn't fair....Here I was missing him, and feeling miserable because I couldn't see him physically...and being mad because he wouldn't reply to me or called me every day like he would some days.....I called my friend...stalling the conversation, but then I said fuck it...need to talk to him now. So I called him....but he didn't answer....but then he called me back...and I remember considering not to answer him, but then I accepted the call...I asked him if he was busy...he said he was at a store like always...I offered to call back, he said no, his curiosity always gets the best of him....So he asked me what was up....I couldn't say it...I didn't know how to word it...and then I just said it...I don't think I should talk to you anymore....he asked me if I was serious? why? what did he do? How do you explain to a guy you always told you were heartless about your feelings....
I don't remember what I said...I told him I couldn't deal with him anymore, he questioned his actions, I clarified that I couldn't deal with how he made me feel anymore. What was the point...he was over there, and I was over here....and his gf. He reminded me he didn't have a gf anymore, that he hadn't talk to her in a long time....
He's a good liar tho...he can talk himself out of anything. He's pretty smart that way.
He cut me off on the verge of my emotional outbreak...said he would call me back later. I told him to not bother...he said he would, and I could either answer or not....I cried all the way to my best friends house...I had gotten sick the prior day...so my pale face didn't give me away...I pretended to be tired, and hungry...I couldn't even talk about how I was feeling...
I went home...I got in bed...wondered if he would call me back, and whether I would answer him. I went to sleep, to forget, to move on, to not feel what I was feeling, then I woke up....and then he did call....and I looked at my phone, at his contact picture...and contemplated....I didn't answer. I had my phone in my hand...and I just let it ring. I wanted to cry again...I thought about just not bothering with him anymore. To just end it like that....but then I called him back....the phone rang...too many rings. I hung up. He called me back....I answered....He acted like nothing...he asked me what was wrong with me...if I was feeling emotional. If my heart hurt because of him...I told him what heart...he laughed...I can't remember if I was too quiet...but he questioned me, and I told him I was over it. The feelings weren't as a raw anymore...I was recovering from that moment of weakness....I don't know what made him think I didn't want to talk to him, but he offered to call me back later. I said okay...ended the conversation. ended his contact information on my phone...blocked him from social media...blocked him from my phone...trying to block him from my heart....
I wanted to talk to him, but he shut me down, which made me feel stupid for even trying to explain anything to him. So now I am rationalizing my actions...Today is day 9 of no communication. Tomorrow day 10. In the past year...this is the longest that I have not talked to him since we started talking....Feels like I am missing a part of me...And I don't know how that makes me feel. Some days I want to just forget it, and pretend nothing happened. That hearing that his gf is jealous of me wouldn't bug me so much. I knew she was there all along, but we had no association, and I never feared she would find out....but hearing that she might..that just made me feel horrible.
He doesn't care. I feel this now. I was stupid enough to fall for him, while warning him off to not fall for me...I hate the I love you's that we exchanged...all those kisses that he gave me when he was neared me...It felt like he couldn't stay away...Every time we would be in a room together...he would gravitate to me. If I ignored him...he would look at me until I paid attention to him...the feeling of having his eyes on me....his laugh when I would say something....that time he told me I was pretty. that time he told me he liked me because I was smart....or when he realized I knew him so well....what was the point of all that...
I told him I was done, or did I even say those words? I can't recall. But I remember the tears, and the fear...I wasn't scared of him. I was scared that I would chicken out, and not go through with it. Or that I would end up going back, like the other times. My emotions. I can't handle them. They make me act on impulse. But I had my reasons...and it wouldn't be fair to be so selfless just to keep another person happy.
I miss him. Everyday I miss him. Every day I think about him. Its been a week, and two days since I last spoke to him...I feel weird. The first days I had a horrible persistent feeling. I would feel it in my chest, like whenever I find out something...I get a premonition feeling. And then I'm just waiting...
How did I end up here??
How do you even believe a liar...Why didn't I care before? Why did it have to take so long for me to be like "I can't be in this situation." Did my heart break? Oh yes, many times I think.
That time with the hickeys...He was being so weird...and then I saw them, but he knew, and I was just disgusted with myself. How the hell did I end up with a guy, with a gf, and fucking who else more. Why did I have to be that stupid girl. Why did I have to go with the flow of my feelings. Can I blame him for the attention that he bestowed on me....why did he have to make it look like he cared. Make me feel like I was someone special to him....Who else did he make feel that way...That's the most horrible realization. What other girl is questioning his actions, and feelings like me.
He left, and everyday he said he missed me, but who else was he also saying those simple words too as well... He asked me to go visit him, and I considered it. I really did want to see him. Feel him again. Kiss him. Poke his ribs like I would every time I would see him.
Then the end. He had told me a couple of weeks prior that he had broken up with his gf, and I was surprised that he actually told me that himself, since he never even spoke about her to me. But we were the same...Talked on the phone every once in a while...texted. But then I spoke to a mutual acquaintance who told me his gf was quitting her job to go spend the holidays with him...and I was shocked. How did I even keep my face neutral,,,,when my heart was stunned. I just didn't even know what to make of it...So I told him I needed to talk to him, but I wanted to do it alone, when I was able to really discuss stuff. He of course couldn't wait. He called my cellphone, and since I didn't answer that, he called my work. He wanted to know what it was...I told him to wait...he was persistent, but I am stubborn myself...he asked me what had he done....I said nothing...that it wasn't important, but I did want to talk to him...he was surprised because I never want to talk him. At least in the sense in which I seek him out to do so.....So that was that....
I left work...on the verge of tears...It wasn't fair....Here I was missing him, and feeling miserable because I couldn't see him physically...and being mad because he wouldn't reply to me or called me every day like he would some days.....I called my friend...stalling the conversation, but then I said fuck it...need to talk to him now. So I called him....but he didn't answer....but then he called me back...and I remember considering not to answer him, but then I accepted the call...I asked him if he was busy...he said he was at a store like always...I offered to call back, he said no, his curiosity always gets the best of him....So he asked me what was up....I couldn't say it...I didn't know how to word it...and then I just said it...I don't think I should talk to you anymore....he asked me if I was serious? why? what did he do? How do you explain to a guy you always told you were heartless about your feelings....
I don't remember what I said...I told him I couldn't deal with him anymore, he questioned his actions, I clarified that I couldn't deal with how he made me feel anymore. What was the point...he was over there, and I was over here....and his gf. He reminded me he didn't have a gf anymore, that he hadn't talk to her in a long time....
He's a good liar tho...he can talk himself out of anything. He's pretty smart that way.
He cut me off on the verge of my emotional outbreak...said he would call me back later. I told him to not bother...he said he would, and I could either answer or not....I cried all the way to my best friends house...I had gotten sick the prior day...so my pale face didn't give me away...I pretended to be tired, and hungry...I couldn't even talk about how I was feeling...
I went home...I got in bed...wondered if he would call me back, and whether I would answer him. I went to sleep, to forget, to move on, to not feel what I was feeling, then I woke up....and then he did call....and I looked at my phone, at his contact picture...and contemplated....I didn't answer. I had my phone in my hand...and I just let it ring. I wanted to cry again...I thought about just not bothering with him anymore. To just end it like that....but then I called him back....the phone rang...too many rings. I hung up. He called me back....I answered....He acted like nothing...he asked me what was wrong with me...if I was feeling emotional. If my heart hurt because of him...I told him what heart...he laughed...I can't remember if I was too quiet...but he questioned me, and I told him I was over it. The feelings weren't as a raw anymore...I was recovering from that moment of weakness....I don't know what made him think I didn't want to talk to him, but he offered to call me back later. I said okay...ended the conversation. ended his contact information on my phone...blocked him from social media...blocked him from my phone...trying to block him from my heart....
I wanted to talk to him, but he shut me down, which made me feel stupid for even trying to explain anything to him. So now I am rationalizing my actions...Today is day 9 of no communication. Tomorrow day 10. In the past year...this is the longest that I have not talked to him since we started talking....Feels like I am missing a part of me...And I don't know how that makes me feel. Some days I want to just forget it, and pretend nothing happened. That hearing that his gf is jealous of me wouldn't bug me so much. I knew she was there all along, but we had no association, and I never feared she would find out....but hearing that she might..that just made me feel horrible.
He doesn't care. I feel this now. I was stupid enough to fall for him, while warning him off to not fall for me...I hate the I love you's that we exchanged...all those kisses that he gave me when he was neared me...It felt like he couldn't stay away...Every time we would be in a room together...he would gravitate to me. If I ignored him...he would look at me until I paid attention to him...the feeling of having his eyes on me....his laugh when I would say something....that time he told me I was pretty. that time he told me he liked me because I was smart....or when he realized I knew him so well....what was the point of all that...
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