I know...

It's been about two weeks since I've found myself glued to this blog. I haven't even posted anything on the other more eloquent one. So what has been going on? A lot of bullshit.

I can't recall the exact feelings I was experiencing the last time I found myself here, but at this precise moment I just want to *wah. I feel like my eyes are too sensitive from the crying that happened earlier in the day. I had this sudden emotion of solidity, depression, and loneliness. And I wanted to talk, to someone, but my choice turned out to be not a good one. I honestly felt raw. Everything that is wrong came running to the surface, and wanted to be acknowledged. 

Since I have this oppression problem in regards to my emotions; in the sense that I genuinely feel that nobody cares, so why bother. Whenever I find myself in these situations, I hate everything/everyone. My feelings are quite sensitive, and I just want to cry. A lot. But I can't. I can't be the person that cares and has feelings because then the perception that people have of me gets shattered. Why should I care? The truth is I don't. I am not afraid of my emotions. I just try to be considerate of others sensitivities. I can't make you face something that you are not welcoming.

I want to talk to someone, get some advice, or something. I just can't seem to find that zen.

Annoyed.

Everything. Is. Stupid.

CoWorkers ♥

I swear I can not understand when people say that they hate their coworkers. I find it hard to understand because I find my coworkers very appealing. The girls are so funny sometimes that I can not decided whether I am almost peeing myself or crying with laughter. I swear the wittiness of some is so unexpected that they get me off guard and I am literally keeled with laughter. They are just interesting characters the lot of them. I find myself treating them as little sisters because there is an age gap between us, but then there is Yaz who is just about a year or two behind me.
I find her the most amusing as of late because she has suddenly evolved in to a very social person. Before it was hard to get anything out of her, and we would described her as timid, but now....omg that girl is too funny. I find her the most entertaining because her humor was most unexpected, and she is blossoming to quite a thing. And she openly admits that she is "weird".
Then there is Yess, who is quite a character herself, but at the same time she is so emotional. You just have to accept what she gives you. I swear one day she does not talk to you, or tells you to shut up, but then the next she will be hugging you. Honestly, she has come up to me more than once saying "I think you need some love", and just hugs me. Her random shows of affection are worth experiencing, and I appreciate that she confides in me, and is comfortable enough to ask for help when she needs it.
Lastly there is my Stephie, who is the youngest of the bunch, and an Aries herself. So I mostly relate to her because we have more things in common. And because she is the youngest I always tease her, which she does not like. But I do it anyway because she has evolved in to a smart young lady. I feel that she is now transitioning to college, my experience will be beneficial to her. I can really pave her a good road based on what I have experienced, and she is attending SMC, which I feel has something to do with me attending there as well.

The tall one, the one with pretty eyes, and the one with dimples.

Amused

That moment in which you experience a sense of realization. They come rarely, but when they do come they hit you straight in the gut. I tell you, they sure get your attention. There I was minding my own business when I came across something oh so interesting, which made me realize that I had forgotten something very important. Flashback!
I just felt joy at this new found information. Well I must admit that at first I was quite disappointed, but then I think I felt a sort of liberation. It is very funny that I had that feeling right after because last time I experienced such disappointment I was pretty bummed for a coupled of days. I am now relieved that I do not actually feel bad, and more specifically, I do not even think I should be surprised. You have a perception of a person for a reason, and you should never forget what you initially thought of this person. I swear I had forgotten what I already knew, but I guess I was blind for just a while. I am only human and I hope for things like many others do. My problem is that I get caught up with what I want, and tend to forget the simple things that are reality.
So here I am having realized that I am quite content with how things have end up, and that things are much better left as they are. I can not even explain why I feel this way. This feeling of relief is quite surprising. I think it might be because I know that I do not have to get caught up with bullshit anymore or that I have an excuse to not get caught up on bullshit. What ever the cause is, I feel good because of this feeling....

Burns

So I have really bad cramps, and they won't go away! Fucken hate them. Honestly, just kill me right now. So we have this heating pad for situations like these, and I've had it on my stomach for about two hours. I got up to eat, and then I was going to my room, then I happens to pass the mirror on the wall and for some random reason my shirt was up that I could see my stomach. And what do I find!? Pink marks all over. It looks more like patches because not all of my stomach is pink. I tried to rub it off, but it didn't come off. Hahahaha. That's actually never happen to me before. It doesn't hurt so I guess they're not that bad. Stupid PMS!!

Work Selfie w/Yaz

Procrastination

I swear this is the biggest thing I have going for myself. I just cannot get my shit together, and then there I am stressing my ass off trying to finish things. So I have two papers to write and one online final to take. And I am nowhere close to doing that. Ugh!!!! I hate schoooolllll.

I fear...

REJECTION

Far from flawless

I lied...

I Still Don't Want You 

Deprived

I've been deprive of sleep, and wonders. I am so sleepy right now, but find myself distracted by stuff. This computer for example is taking my mind off of things. And then my room is pretty hot, and the sun goes right in to the room so there is no way to darken the room so I could fall asleep. I am so sleepy though. I am literally writing this with almost shut eyes. I just cant go to sleep because then I get tired of sleeping, and I really do have things to do. For example I have two more papers to write, and an online final to take, plus I want to make notes for my final exam on monday. The quarter really did go by fast this time, and now its ending. I don't know exactly what I want to do. Or what I could do. Why couldn't it be clear from the start.

Why the fuck do people need a diploma to prove that they got an education? I got a higher education for about five years. I'm fed up with being asked "What are you taking?", "What are you gonna do with that?", "What career is it?"...just shut the fuck up. It is honestly none of your business what my education is doing to me because at the end of the day it does nothing for you. It does not concern you,  or make you change yourself. It doesnt. So shut up. If you want to know about education, then get yourself in a school or an environment where you will learn. Get out of my face. Stop trying to make me explain myself. My future does NOT concern you at all. It doesn't affect you. So people just leave me alone!

I am so fucken tired of people. Why must you want to know everything? Just shut up, and live your own life. Get your shit together and stay out of mine! I am just completely tired of  being called "rude" just because I don't want to share what I think my future will look like. Why the fuck do I have to tell you anything?! Just because you want to know doesn't give you the entitlement to receive an answer. My answer is not for you to take. My thoughts are not for you to take. If I tell you anything, then it will be because I choose to share that myself. It is honestly more genuine that way. People need to stop pretending that they care, and if they do care, then they need to understand that there are things that I just do not wish to talk about with you. That does  not mean I dislike you. It just really means that I don't want to tell you. I see it as pointless to share such useless information.

Long night...

So I was suppose to do my paper yesterday as soon as I got home, but I ended up getting home late from school. So instead of working on that paper I decided to take a nap. Woot. That nap ended up being two hours long. So then it was 8pm, and I still had nothing to work on. Bleh. So I figured I will start working on it as soon as my brain came back into focus. Yeah, that took quite a while. I didn't end up working on my paper until about midnight. Of course I had to do a little research prior to my writing, and that took quite a while. The point is I was up until 3 in the morning trying my best to finish this paper before going to sleep. I ended up going to sleep at four in the morning and waking up at 7 so I could continue with that paper. I ended up getting up at 7:15, and I didn't start on the paper until almost 8. But at last I did finish it on time. I showered and walked myself to work. 

So here I am...fucken Yessica scared me today while I was in the walk in. There I was just getting a bag of wings when the lights get turned off, and then the door is closed. So there I am and I turn to walk out of the walk in and she is in there with me. That was the girliest scream I have ever done, but it was funny after all.

problems

I have many, but I don't like to deal with them.

Train of Thoughts

I find myself thinking of scenarios, situations, conversations, or things that "could have been", and then I tell myself to shut up. I hate it. I do not want to be stuck on shit like that. Fuck it. No regrets. Just look forward, I say. So whenever I am in that stupor I then punish myself. Not physically. Just psychologically. Lol. Which could be worst, but who knows. I hate these train of thoughts. I just realize this. I find myself daydreaming and it pisses me off. What the fuck is wrong with me? I ask myself. What the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck AM I in this fucking situation? I did not ask for this. I do not want to be this girl that gets stuck on "what ifs". It's ridiculous. Fuck this moment. Fuck thinking about this. And fuck everything.

I am extremely annoyed with myself because I am so behind on school work. So whenever I get like this everything pisses me off. I just have no tolerance for shit at this moment. And then my head is constantly hurting. And I hate everything, which I mention previously. So that is me in a nutshell, right this moment.

Clumsy

So I almost ate shit today, which should have been taken as a premonition for what ended up happening to me. I was walking up the stairs today when out of nowhere I tripped. The good thing was that I was next to the rail and had enough time to hold on to it. The worst thing was there was a lady who was walking down the stairs herself, and she ended up tripping up as well because she thought I was going to fall. I think I heard her gasp, but I didn't fall so it was all good.

I make it on the bus, even though I had to wait forever, and then through the ride I fall asleep. Even though I was asleep I was conscious that I was "asleep". Lol. Somehow...so there I am bobbing my head about when out of nowhere the bus driver makes a stop, and where does my head go? Well right into the ledge of the window. I hit my forehead right in the middle. That's what I was talking about in relation to the earlier premonition. I didn't fall, but I did end up banging my head afterwards. Thanx karma.

Sad.

The truth

"You don't love meeeee"

Waiting for the bus...

So I saw this kid run to catch up with the bus, and I thought: why do you run? It's going to leave you anyway. Which made me laugh because last time I ran, and the bus waited. The point is that both annotations could be references to love. Don't run because they'll leave you and I ran but they waited for me. See the relations? I thought it was clever. So I thought: I should write a book and title it "Waiting for the bus while thinking of love: the thoughts of a cynical mind". Lmao. Hey, you never know.